It's hard sometimes being the only female in the school, and not just a female, but a blue belt as well. Every white belt wants to catch a blue belt, and no guy wants to get beat by a girl. Because of this my technique must be sharper, my drive to win must be stronger, my mind cannot get frustrated. The better I get, the more everyone wants to smash me. The better I get, the harder it is for the white belts to do anything to me. The better I get, the greater the power gets that is used against me.
Last night I was reminded of this. It seemed like the more I wanted it, and the harder I pushed, the tougher the fight became. Nothing I did seemed to be working and I was getting extremely frustrated. Everyone was sweeping me or passing my guard and frustration was taking over my mind. Everyone felt so powerful, and I felt so weak. My breathing started to get rapid and heavy, almost like a panic. I felt my eyes watering up, but I couldn't let myself cry. You can never let yourself cry...at least not in front of anyone. You cannot let any weakness show through. I continued to spar with increasing frustration and when class ended and I left the cage, went into my room (I have a private room at the gym) and the tears started falling. Women are emotional beings, and when I get emotionally overwhelmed I tend to cry. I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was crying because of how badly I wanted every move I attempted, and failed to execute.
I pulled myself together after about 10 minutes, painfully replayed the sparring through my head, figured out where I made mistakes, and told myself I needed to work to fix these mistakes, and not get frustrated next time. Persistent hard work is what will get my through days like these, and bring me to success in the future.
Perseverance: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition.
