Tears

This one is directed mostly towards the guys...

Just because you see a few tears stream down my face doesn't mean that I am hurt, or something awful happened to me.  There is a difference between how girls and guys react to certain things, for example frustration.  I'm sure I am not the only girl out there that sheds a few tears when she gets extremely frustrated.

I am under a lot of stress right now in my life and training is my time to just forget about everything.  I leave everything behind when I step on the mats, and for the next 2 hours I am as happy as can be.  The exception is when I start getting frustrated with something.  Maybe the same person keeps catching me with the same move over and over, or I just can't quite get my body to move in the right way.  If I allow these minor things to get to me my happy bubble feels like it bursts and all of my stressful emotions start flooding in.  Next thing I know my face is getting warm and my eyes start to swell up with tears.  I try so hard no to let them fall, but the moment someone says, "Hey, are you okay?", they start pouring out.  I hate it, but when I am stressed out and then get frustrated that's just how my body reacts.

So please don't ask me if everything is okay, or if there is anything you can do to help.  You can help by not saying anything and letting me regain my composure. W85W6PT2M28V

Hitting a Plateau

Do you ever feel like you've hit a plateau?  Like you are just stagnating at a certain level?  Like no matter what you do you just can't seem to improve your weaknesses?

This is how I feel right now.  I know all the things I need to do but I just can't seem to make my game change.  I need to make my mind think quicker and retain more knowledge...but I can't figure out how to make it do this.  I learn things in class, drill them, and understand them, but as soon as the day is done I seem to forget how to execute them.  I spar and my coach yells for me to do things but by the time his voice processes through my head and I think of what he is saying the opportunity is gone.  I see openings but by the time my head processes what to do the openings are gone.

....I have my good collar grip, I'm breaking the posture, I'm going for the choke -- he postures waaay back -- ooh, I should hip bump sweep.....

Do I get it? NO.  By the time this thought gets to my brain the opportunity is gone. 

It's the same with transitions.  I know how to transition from one thing to the next....but when I spar my mind seems to forget.  I shoot a triangle, they posture.  I know I should switch off to an armlock or an omaplata but do I do it? Of course not.  The thought doesn't even seem to cross my mind.

WHY??? I don't understand this.  I have been doing jiu-jitsu for years, why am I having so much trouble all of sudden?  I need to be quicker and transition faster.  I know these things, but why can't I do them?

No matter how hard I try, it doesn't seem to be enough.  The harder I push myself the more I seem to shut down.  I go into class thinking about my weaknesses with the plan to conciously think about them and try to fix them.  I try, and try, and try, and the harder I try without results the more frustrated I get.  I push myself more, I tell myself to relax and not get upset, but I can't.  I go insane.

I feel lost...

I don't know what to do to take myself to the next level...

I need help...

Pans - Day 2

So I know today is day 3 but I want to recap day 2 before I say anything about today.

Yesterday was my day to compete.  I woke up early, took a shower, and got ready to go.  I left nice and early so I could get to the venue with pleanty of time to check my weight, settle in, and relax before my bracket was up.  I got there at 10:00am and my weight was 160 -- great! that's 3 pounds under!  I ate some granola bars and an apple throughout the day and drank some water and Gatorade.  I kept weighing myself throughout the day and my weight never went above 160.5 (which I don't get because I was drinking a lot!).  Forty minutes before it was time for my bracket to go I decided to start getting warmed up.  I like to warm up early because I always get nervous jitters and running around helps me to get rid of them.  My bracket was called to the warm-up area at 1:20 so I went from running around the back hallways to bouncing around in the bull pen.  I was in there for an hour before they called me to get my gi and weight checked.  Surprisingly I was pretty relax this whole time, even as I walked onto the mat. 

Michelle Welti (DTJJ) vs Brooke Goldsworthy (Crispim BJJ) 

We shook hands and the match began.  Brooke crouched down low - I knew this meant she was going to try to pull guard.  She backed away from me as I came in to get my grip.  I remained in the center of the mat to wait for her to come to me.  I wanted her to play my game.  Time was ticking by and she wouldn't come to me so finally I went to her.  I grabbed her lapel and she immediately pulled guard.  I held her up, her feet weren't closed yet - this is not so bad, I like the top, I'll just pass to the side and submit.  Oh no, she grabbed my ankels - I can't let her sweep me, I am not starting this match down to points.  She ended up sweeping me.  She was in my open guard in combat base.  I tried for submissions, and I tried for sweeps but she was holding her positions and not wanting to move.  I was getting frustrated.  All of a sudden I here someone call out "30 seconds left!"  No, I refuse to lose in the first round again.  I MUST get a sweep!  I tried so hard, but was unable to do anything.  The buzzer rang - I lost. 

I was so mad, and dissapointed, and frustrated.  I couldn't believe I lost in the first round.  I honestly thought  I was going to win gold.  I wanted to cry.  I gathered my things and returned to the stands to watch the remainder of my braket.  Brooke Goldsworthy ended up placing third in the bracket.  First place went to Jessica Eve Richer of team Gracie Barra Long Island.  And 2nd place went to Alexis Dufresne of team Carlson Gracie.

Hours past as I watch the rest of the women's blue and purple belt divisions.  Time was closing in on the Women's Blue Belt Open.  I cleared my head and was ready to make my comeback in the Open.

Michelle Welti (DTJJ) vs Hana Fischer (Alliance SP)
Match starts and I immediately get my grips.  Hana also gets her grips, a huge power grip around my arm and to my belt.  Great, gotta break this and get my posture - she's creating an angle, she wants to throw - break that grip NOW.  I broke the grip - we gripped back up, same grip.  I broke it again.  We gripped back up, SAME grips - ugh this is getting frustrating. Oh no, I just got thrown.  I won't let her take my side...turtle up.   I reached for her leg to drive he back.  She was big and sprawling hard - I just couldn't pull that leg under.  New plan, sit through to guard.   I tried a few time to sit through to guard but had to revert back to the turtle.  Eventually I got to the half guard. I need to sweep to the top, I can't let this 200 pounder stay on top.  Let's try to get to deep half and sweep, I don't think I can lift all her weight with a hook sweep with my bad knee.  Oh shit, she has my arm and is going for a paint brush!  My shoulders are bad!  This hurts so bad...  Tap.  I lost again.

I learned a lot yesterday.  There are many things I need to work on.  But the number 1 thing is my confidence.  I know I am better than most, if not all, of the girls out here, but for some reason when I get to the mat all my confidence goes out the window.  I start to fear losing and it crushes me mentally.  I need to search deep inside myself and figure out why this is.  It is only then that I will start winning the titles I deserve.

Frustration and Perseverance

Frustration: a common emotional response to opposition. Related to anger and disappointment, it arises from the perceived resistance to the fulfillment of individual will. The greater the obstruction, and the greater the will, the more the frustration is likely to be.                -Wikipedia


It's hard sometimes being the only female in the school, and not just a female, but a blue belt as well.   Every white belt wants to catch a blue belt, and no guy wants to get beat by a girl. Because of this my technique must be sharper, my drive to win must be stronger, my mind cannot get frustrated. The better I get, the more everyone wants to smash me. The better I get, the harder it is for the white belts to do anything to me.  The better I get, the greater the power gets that is used against me.

Last night I was reminded of this.  It seemed like the more I wanted it, and the harder I pushed, the tougher the fight became.  Nothing I did seemed to be working and I was getting extremely frustrated.  Everyone was sweeping me or passing my guard and frustration was taking over my mind.  Everyone felt so powerful, and I felt so weak.  My breathing started to get rapid and heavy, almost like a panic.  I felt my eyes watering up, but I couldn't let myself cry.  You can never let yourself cry...at least not in front of anyone.  You cannot let any weakness show through.  I continued to spar with increasing frustration and when class ended and I left the cage, went into my room (I have a private room at the gym) and the tears started falling.  Women are emotional beings, and when I get emotionally overwhelmed I tend to cry.  I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was crying because of how badly I wanted every move I attempted, and failed to execute.

I pulled myself together after about 10 minutes, painfully replayed the sparring through my head, figured out where I made mistakes, and told myself I needed to work to fix these mistakes, and not get frustrated next time.   Persistent hard work is what will get my through days like these, and bring me to success in the future.



Perseverance: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition.